Kingdom Living: January 2014

Well, after a three-week reprieve from the unrelenting heat, unsolicited marriage proposals, long skirts, and bucket-bathing, I’m back in the hut. My visit home for the holidays was more than I could have asked for. It came at a point in my service when I was burnt out, my problem solving skills at an all-time low and my reserve of patience nearly empty. About a week before my vacation, I met with the women from the handicraft group, attempting to hash out the reasons for the lack of commitment to the project. One woman turned to me and said, “Nosipho, if our husbands come home and ask us to wash, we can’t go to sell that day, we must stay at home to wash.” Tears welled in my eyes and I looked away. What I wanted to do was throw handfuls of sand and yell, “Tell your husbands to man up and wash their own d*** clothes! You’re not their slave (insert additional profanities)!” Instead, in an attempt to refrain from unleashing an explosive diatribe regarding my personal views on traditional Swazi gender roles, I held my tongue and spent the rest of the afternoon confined in the refuge of my hut, drowning my frustrations in an entire season of Homeland. It was time for a break.

While I wouldn’t necessarily use the term relaxing to define my trip home, it was a much-needed pick-me-up. It was such a blessing to reconnect with friends and family who have known me and loved me for years. Words can’t describe my gratitude for the support, encouragement, and prayers from so many of you. Thank you for your hugs, your genuine interest in my work in Swaziland, your generous donations to GLOW, and your affirmation. I am returning to Swaziland with a renewed energy and motivation thanks to you.

Some highlights from my visit include:

· Being reunited with my family, especially with my Dad, who I hadn’t seen since I left a year and a half ago

· Friday night drinks with Katie

· K-girl + sibling reunion hike

· A visit from Casey, one of my best friends from Emory

· Hiking in shorts around Muir Woods with Casey, the Holt girls, and my mom – California is truly the best

· A fun night out with the family to see Book of Mormon in the city

· Freeman family bowling excursion

· Skype/phone calls with incredible friends

I think the best part of it all was simply hanging out with my family and doing life together: Megan and I parked on the green couch, Daddy in his leather chair, the animals all gathered around, and Mommy attempting to join us on the sofa for five minute increments until she realized something else she wanted to do (except, of course, when she was playing Candy Crush, during which she could spend long hours completely absorbed in her iPad). *side note: as I’m writing this blog, I receive a message from my mother: “Candy Crush level 100!!!” So proud, Mom, so proud.

My trip was too short to process everything as it came. In some ways, nothing had changed: Daddy still got lost on the way home from the airport, the green sofa has retained its sleep-inducing powers, the Freeman family still keeps See’s Candy in business, and Mommy can still bake enough cookies to feed the entire Kingdom of Swaziland whilst keeping the kitchen in pristine condition (I, unfortunately, did not inherit this skill). In other ways, everything was different: my family is addicted to Candy Crush, my Dad craves brussel sprouts, everyone now sports FitBits, Lamorinda is even more clad in LuluLemon than it was when I left, drones will soon be delivering our Amazon orders.

But in all seriousness, the hardest aspect of returning home was realizing how much I’d changed. When I left, I was a recent college graduate, eager to embark on a journey that had been my dream since high school. I wasn’t naïve in the sense that I thought I was going to change the world, but I really had no clue what was in store. I didn’t know that I’d be asked for money every single day of my service, that bomake would be so quick to poke my love handles, that one day I’d watch my family bury a relative in our backyard, that all of my favorite women are HIV positive, that it could take a school 3 months just to put books that I’d bought for them onto the library shelves, and that quite frankly, most people here don’t care to learn from me if I can’t give them something tangible. I wanted to be able to come home and tell people that my time in Swaziland was incredible, that I have amazing relationships, and that I love this country. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. And I’m coming to accept that. I guess what I didn’t realize is how much this experience would drain me. It has drained me of my optimism, my empathy, and at times, my faith in humanity. That’s not to say that there haven’t been any moments of true joy, because there most certainly have been. Not to mention that this has been a period of significant personal growth as well, which I wouldn’t trade that for anything. But my time here has made me a bit rough around the edges – I’m slow to trust, yet quick to assume ulterior motives. I didn’t used to be like that, but that’s just how I’ve adapted to my current circumstances. When I first arrived back at home, I wanted to leave behind all of the baggage (emotion baggage, that is), that I was carrying with me. I wanted to pretend like everything was like it used to be, that I was still the gentle and optimistic girl that I was when I left. I didn’t want to talk about Swaziland because I knew it would bring out my cynical side, yet Swaziland is really all that I have to talk about, considering it has been my life for the past 18 months. I gave several presentations during visit home and I tried to be as honest as possible about the reality of my experience, without sounding too jaded. It actually was surprisingly therapeutic to admit to the people that have been so incredibly supportive that I am not, in fact, changing the world, and that my impact here will likely be minimal. I struggle daily to get Swazis excited about anything and it was refreshing to be surrounded by friends and family who genuinely wanted to learn about Swaziland, the good and the bad. So thank you to all who listened to my stories, it meant so much to me. Towards the end of my visit, I started to feel a bit more like my old self – more optimistic, hopeful, and ready to face my last 7 months in Swaziland with gusto. It’s funny what a couple weeks of showers, home-cooked meals, and love can do. I didn’t expect to spill my heart out when I started writing this post, but it just sort of happened. I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you to everyone who listened to my stories, who accepted me and affirmed me for who I am, and who helped me remember that my life as “Nosipho” is only one part of who I am as a person, as Kelsey.

The day after I returned to Swaziland, I headed to a week long “Training of Trainers (TOT)” for our GLOW program. Each volunteer brought 1-2 Swazi counterparts to be trained as counselors for the girls empowerment camp that we will host in May. I couldn’t imagine a better way to kick off the final leg of my time in Peace Corps. We invited 8 of the Swazi counselors who attended last years’ camp to train this years’ group of women. Words can’t describe how powerful it was to watch a group of strong, passionate women lead their peers. These senior counselors led sessions on sexual and reproductive health, gender-based violence, leadership, and goal setting. The women were actively engaged throughout the entire week, asking honest questions and openly voicing their opinions. Having struggled to empower the group of women working on the handicraft project to take the business into their own hands and defend their right to work, it was so encouraging to watch a younger generation of Swazi women get fired up about GLOW and about impacting the lives of the young girls with whom they work. The final night we had a talent show, during which nearly all of the women participated with dramas, songs, and traditional Swazi dances. Not only was it a joy to see these women participate without reserve, but more importantly, they were having FUN. I left the training feeling hopeful for the future of women in Swaziland and with a renewed motivation for my own GLOW club. If all else fails, I know that my time here will be worth it because of GLOW. Also, a huge thank you to all who contributed to GLOW, both through cash and in-kind donations – please know that your generosity is truly changing lives.

So, here I am, back in my hut, enjoying a bit of down time to catch up on all the reading and TV watching I missed out on while I was home. Yeah, I miss cheese-girl life, but it’s good to be back, especially with the end in sight. I feel ready to make the most of these last seven months and am looking forward to what this year has in store: a visit in April from my dad and grandmother, a trip to Lesotho in May, and about 2 months of travel after I leave Swaziland in August. Stay tuned for another post about what’s in store work-wise for my final stretch. Thank you to all who made my time at home so special, it truly meant the world to me!